Coming home without your child (children) really sucks. That is an understatement. Being within a ten minute drive to the hospital where your children currently reside is a positive. granted. I have read a lot of blog posts from NICU moms (and dads I'm sure) where the parents are about an hour away from where their children stay. That would be awful. I guess this, like everything in life, is a matter of perspective. Likewise, I guess having twins at 35 and a half weeks is relatively good. And though I know we thought that having twins at thirty-five and a half weeks would be relatively better (see earlier posts from one eager father-to-be), and it is, there are still a few kinks.
Before we go any further, I must add that Rachael was amazing during her whole pregnancy. I cannot imagine anyone doing a better job than her. She is a saint. And that word should be afforded absolute gravity.
The last four days have been a series of extreme highs and lows. I think that is what every parent of a NICU child goes through. And, again, all feelings are relative to your situation. We have sooooo (look at the ooooo count on that one) to be grateful for, but we still have a few issues that are keeping us in check.
Jack has problems breathing, and every time he takes a plunge it is like watching your own life flash before your eyes. I'm sorry, but there is really no other way to put it. No matter how calm your NICU nurse is when they are getting your child to keep breathing, it isn't something that is easy to digest. It sucks. It sucks real bad. Strangely, the more your child decides to go into a "spell," the more you get more relaxed about the whole process. How demented is that?
Bottom line is Jack, and to some degree Riley, has a hard time breathing when sucking/eating and sometimes when just existing. It's normal, again relatively, for "premies," but good luck believing that when you watch it happen in front of you. F*&%. (sorry, but there really is no other word to express the feeling)(And, I kept it edited for the grandparents and those with sensitive reading ability).
We are back in Lakewood now, and although it is hard to leave without your kids, it is nice to get a breather (pun perhaps intended) from all the drama. I think it is important for us to recharge are batteries before we go back to NIC-Land where all you hear are endless beeps, and the endless deranged hope that it is not YOUR child struggling to become human. Again, F@#$. (Again, EDIT)
This post seems pretty high on the drama. I apologize for that. Maybe the Stella talking. That being said, Rachael and I are totally positive about the whole experience. I, and Rachael, are sooooo (again with the oooooos) happy with our little babies (of course). Usually when I'm home I spend most of my time looking at this site, and the photos that I already posted. Weird. They really are beautiful children if you all haven't already figured it out. They are also super resilient, and will be just fine. And when they do come to 1440 Wayne, whenever they are ready, we will be more grateful than you could ever imagine. And, the antidote please (cliche coming), home.